I’ve finished my degree.
It feels like quite the turning point. Having spent my life so far in formal education, where a structure exists that defines my path, the what-to-do next, it is daunting to have come to the other side.
In natural me fashion, I’ve spent some time reflecting. Not overtly, per se, but more nostalgically. Constantly, I’ve been bringing up “remember when”s in conversations with friends, seeing old photos and wondering where the time has gone. With its quick 8 week terms, Oxford is an oddity that seems to propel you through the years.
Four years later, and I hardly know what my first year-self was thinking.
Year One: General Aimlessness and Not Very Wild
It’s been fun looking back on photos, both for the memories but also to see what I’ve decided to document over time.
Primarily outfits, food, and theatre.
One of the first photos I have is one such as this:
What a face.
I used to do different make-up looks, gravitating mainly towards an orange/red/brown conglomeration that became a staple. One way to age me is how my make-up has developed, and I certainly had my boldest era here. In time, though, it was less of a creative effort and more of a daily task, the result of seeking self-assurance. It was also, granted, much easier to stick to the same colours because they were safe, and it took less time in the morning to do.
No matter what the photo may suggest, the me here was not very confident. That’s been one of the most striking things in looking back — I think she should have been.
Year Two: The Unbecoming
One could argue I was robbed of time here, but one also can’t collate an entire year to one bad egg.
The hair was on its way up.
But despite the look, and the discovery of a somewhat definable pout, I was the most lost in this year. What I was working for, who I was, what I wanted. In the bluntest terms, I was a shell, with the likes and dislikes of me, but emptied.
I don’t remember many specifics of my second year except from an overwhelming sense of pretending. I was getting through but not quite there, going along with other things because want wasn’t exactly something I knew how to handle. I was swept up in an illusion of what I thought I should want, of what I was holding onto to give me the quick thrill of acceptance.
There were highlights, though. I had fun times, met people I am now the closest to. A year I would not change, because it taught me a lot.
Year Three: An Awakening
Ah, here it is.
By the time I entered my third year of my undergrad, a lot had happened for me that floated me far from the person in that first photo above. From nineteen to twenty-one, I’d done a lot of changing in multiple realms of my life, and it was throughout my first term in particular that I achieved a sense of self-hood. I opened up, I allowed myself to be.
I became the person that had been locked away for so long.
Looking back, I wonder what would have been different if I’d been confident in myself from the beginning. It is all hindsight, and there is a tinge of sadness, but ultimately I am where I am because of choices that she made, and I do not resent that.
An interesting thing I’ve noticed; there are many more photos with others in this segment of my photo album. It’s really nice to see, as it tracks and even represents my greater opening.
I am so happy to be me.
Side note, she was born to pout »
Year Four: One More Time
This last year, I’ve rediscovered my love for science. The lead-up to exams in my third year in particular took enjoyment out of biochemistry, but getting back to the core of research, refining my work, planning my days; it felt like something had returned to me.
As well as this, fourth year gave me greater independence, and I’ve grown a lot personally. I feel much more myself, more confident, more defined in personhood.
The past few months have been tougher. Between finalising my research project and feeling generally overwhelmed, there’s been a few things bubbling under the surface. I’ve had the feeling of floating through, like each day is a dream, but sitting here now it finally feels as if this is beginning to lift.
Within all of this, I need to remember what my current self is saying when I see that picture of me from first year: you’re incredible, take care of yourself, let yourself live.
