Okay.

Okay.

It’s been a little while since I’ve written one of these. The odd novel post, sure, things I wrote a short or long time ago, pretending inspiration. But in all honesty, there’s been a bit of a dry spell recently. Not for want of doing it, although there has been a lack of that too. It’s strange, because it feels like it’s been a longer time than it has, when in all truth it’s only been a couple of months since I last posted an article style essay here.

There’s been nice reasons for it, of course. Spending more time with others, focusing on other ventures. It’s also, however, been a bit of an emotional time so far this year; a lot of change internally and externally, a whirlwind kind of month. It’s taken me time to come to terms with these differences, situation and dynamics, but I thank my friends and parents for supporting me and listening to my repetitive ramblings. Or talking, because there’s no need to put myself down.

The sun has helped a lot. It’s funny, because I never used to accept that it would make such a difference to my mood, but here we are. I’ve been exhausted for the last year, months of dissociation and delirium, with the odd bright spell. I’ve found things and people I love, and it’s those things that are exciting me now, giving me the thrill for writing and getting back to what I love. Pursuing this for myself.

I’ve been thinking about my past recently. This last weekend served as a form of revelation: there was a moment when I suddenly felt different about everything, when everything felt truly like it would be alright, as adverse to me knowing it but not feeling it. I’d been feeling a weight in my chest, this pressure whenever I tried to talk about what I was feeling. It lifted, somehow, and I knew that time would be a wonderful thing. It’s not even been that long, and the thoughts aren’t gone, but just a little relief.

I’ve been thinking about who I used to be, who I was at the start of university. I used to think that I’d only become myself afterwards, a summer that shifted a gear, but now I see that I’ve only grown — I’ve always been me, whether that was ten, five, or one year ago. I’ve been thinking about what I used to do, the endless “me” time, the coffee shop writing and the freedom I felt. I’ve been thinking about the first friends I made here, the new ones I’ve found, and how that is more precious than anything I could look for in the future. I struggle to “live in the moment”, always looking on to the next thing and what could be, but perhaps it is this drive for the future that creates my passion.

Rest and sleep makes a difference. I’ve known this for years, but implementing it has been the more difficult endeavour. During my first year of uni, I had my plan and my sleep was fairly good, fairly regular, but there were bigger issues that I’ve come a long way in. This is something I can be proud of, no matter how I feel in my body right now. My mentality has improved massively, and I’m so happy for that.

There have been other issues, mental baggage, conflicting emotions. It’s incredible to see how acutely these things can affect how we feel on the day-to-day, influencing us to change how we act or how we think.

It’s important to let ourselves feel. It’s how we process things, talking or writing it out. One thing that hasn’t fallen off in the last couple of months is poetry; it’s been a good way to get emotions out, especially when they’ve been running high. It’s a form of journaling, in a way, which makes me wonder whether implementing something like this would be helpful for me.

The big mood shift in the last couple of days is more than welcome. It feels good to feel lighter, more like myself again. I’m feeling more motivated to do things, whether that’s household chores or things I used to enjoy, that feel like an essential part of me. I’ve almost found myself again.

That’s why it’s so lovely to have found this kind of writing again. It became part of my routine, something I loved, and coming back to it feels like coming home. Other things I enjoy — the gym, my work — are all feeling enjoyable again.

All in all, I’m back.